It's my birthday

I'm excited about my life.
I want to do more things.
I have more ideas.
I can see possibilities where there weren't any.
I want to better myself and learn new things.
I want to try to make more money and not sit still.
I want to get healthier.

I want to change.

And I haven't felt that in a long time... quite possibly, Ever.

39 may be one of my best years yet.

50 days

Doesn't seem like it.

I'm just glad that I am doing other things
on the days I don't have Zoey.

That was the thing... Two days with her, no drinking.
2 days without her, close to drunk both days.
Unless I had a ton of chores to do.

I think that originated from just not knowing what to do
with my time when I didn't have her.
I'm glad I am growing past that.

I actually ran for a bit during the walk with Cracker last night.
Didn't set out to run, just kinda felt like it.

Change is happening.
I'm digging.

peace.

2016 will be much different

I've decided to give up alcohol this year.
Why?!

Two main reasons. Challenge and Change.
I've thought about it for 4 or 5 years and would always talk myself out of it.
Well, I didn't really do that, I guess I never talked myself INTO it.
This time, I'm committed.
I've lived my life for the past 20 years or so fairly buzzed or drunk every 2-3 days.
I'm ready to experience other things. See what I find myself doing when I'm not focused on drinking.
Push myself to do something different.
It's been more fun finding what I am going to do with the time that I would normally be just sitting and drinking.
Much more constructive.

Mixing some juices and caffeine-free soda helps sometimes.
I've went over to cookouts with some sparkling water.
It's so carbonated, it makes me feel like I'm drinking a beer.
Plus, the bottles are beer-like, and folks don't razz me too bad.
No one really does that anyway, but ya know.

I'll tell you things I do love about it.
No hangovers. No bubble-guts or beer shits.
A clear mind. No gaps in memories.
I don't smoke, since that was only a thing that I did while drinking.
Only a sporadic greenery lift, but really I just enjoy keeping my mind sober.

It's pretty rad.
I read something the other day that said that some people think they will loose their edge if they stop drinking, when really it ends up giving them and edge.
I would agree to this.
Plus, I'm not putting myself at risk as much.
Ya know, b/c buzzed driving is drunk driving. (alot of us are pros even though we've been caught before)

Anyway, clear mind, clear heart, pretty clear soul.
I'm working my way to becoming unfuckwithable.

#youcanttouchthis

Keep on rockin' people.
I'm gonna go rock out on my drums, then go put the kayak in the water.

peace and love
stay positive and love your life.

For all of you awesome Dads...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosie-devereux/dumbass-stuff-we-need-to-stop-saying-to-dads_b_9186948.html

Peaceful walk

enh, fuck it.

I find myself in this month of my birth nearly 39 years down the line, happily divorced with a wonderful co-parenting relationship with the amazing mother of our child, more in love with the most bad ass 5 year old daughter I could've ever dreamed, excited and happy in the job that I've had for almost 11 years, creating and doing things that I haven't done in years, and all in all stoked about a future as an adult male making my way through life on this planet again.

The last few years of the marriage were pretty lame. We stopped putting in love and were in a standoff with each other on who was going to put any effort into it first. Then it all but vanished into thin air and we were coexisting as roommates with a kid, and were both miserable. I was really unaware of how miserable I was until a few months after she pulled the D card. At the time I could not believe it was happening. The future that you saw for yourself no longer exists. It's fucking gone and it's fucking overwhelming. I won't go into all the little details that take over your brain, but it involves EVERY aspect of your life.

We kept our child at the first of everything we did and kept it very civil and fair throughout the whole process. The healing process was interesting to say the least. The only thing I could think of doing when I didn't have Z is everything that I couldn't do when she was there. So, needless to say, very loud music, too many drinks, dancing in the living room, and really just doing whatever the fuck I wanted to whenever the fuck I wanted to. A thing that I have grown to love, even though it is in much more constructive ways now.

I can feel like I'm becoming the man that I was intended to be before all of this slid off track. I feel like I'm finally starting to grow again. Not just existing in the same life that I created in college. I never really grew out of that life very well. I would try, but almost would feel like that was my identity. No need to expand, learn, or do more. "This is what I do," I remember thinking alot.

Nowadays, I take more walks with the pup. I kayak. I read actual books (still fucking boggles my mind) and enjoy it. I love eating alone and thinking about things to do and try after the meal. I clean much more. I listen to music, like just sit and listen. Occasionally I will have a netflix binge of course, but some nights my TV never gets turned on.

When Z is around we just do whatever we feel like doing. Coloring, reading, puzzles, hide 'n' seek, tag, dig in the dirt, play in the water, play catch, play music, create performances, expand our imaginations, make forts, lots of balloons, ride bikes and tricycles, learn things, discuss things, build things, and lots of tickle ninja. Also maybe a netflix binge or a movie in there too.

For the most part I'm much more centered, calm and collected. Not much anxiety, no impending doom like the last post that was 3 years ago. (That was pretty good forshadowing on my part though) Much Much Much more happy.

I love my life, stoked to be living it, and am excited to see what the future holds. It is after all, a clean slate.

Peace and love my friends.
stay positive and love your life.