enh, fuck it.

I find myself in this month of my birth nearly 39 years down the line, happily divorced with a wonderful co-parenting relationship with the amazing mother of our child, more in love with the most bad ass 5 year old daughter I could've ever dreamed, excited and happy in the job that I've had for almost 11 years, creating and doing things that I haven't done in years, and all in all stoked about a future as an adult male making my way through life on this planet again.

The last few years of the marriage were pretty lame. We stopped putting in love and were in a standoff with each other on who was going to put any effort into it first. Then it all but vanished into thin air and we were coexisting as roommates with a kid, and were both miserable. I was really unaware of how miserable I was until a few months after she pulled the D card. At the time I could not believe it was happening. The future that you saw for yourself no longer exists. It's fucking gone and it's fucking overwhelming. I won't go into all the little details that take over your brain, but it involves EVERY aspect of your life.

We kept our child at the first of everything we did and kept it very civil and fair throughout the whole process. The healing process was interesting to say the least. The only thing I could think of doing when I didn't have Z is everything that I couldn't do when she was there. So, needless to say, very loud music, too many drinks, dancing in the living room, and really just doing whatever the fuck I wanted to whenever the fuck I wanted to. A thing that I have grown to love, even though it is in much more constructive ways now.

I can feel like I'm becoming the man that I was intended to be before all of this slid off track. I feel like I'm finally starting to grow again. Not just existing in the same life that I created in college. I never really grew out of that life very well. I would try, but almost would feel like that was my identity. No need to expand, learn, or do more. "This is what I do," I remember thinking alot.

Nowadays, I take more walks with the pup. I kayak. I read actual books (still fucking boggles my mind) and enjoy it. I love eating alone and thinking about things to do and try after the meal. I clean much more. I listen to music, like just sit and listen. Occasionally I will have a netflix binge of course, but some nights my TV never gets turned on.

When Z is around we just do whatever we feel like doing. Coloring, reading, puzzles, hide 'n' seek, tag, dig in the dirt, play in the water, play catch, play music, create performances, expand our imaginations, make forts, lots of balloons, ride bikes and tricycles, learn things, discuss things, build things, and lots of tickle ninja. Also maybe a netflix binge or a movie in there too.

For the most part I'm much more centered, calm and collected. Not much anxiety, no impending doom like the last post that was 3 years ago. (That was pretty good forshadowing on my part though) Much Much Much more happy.

I love my life, stoked to be living it, and am excited to see what the future holds. It is after all, a clean slate.

Peace and love my friends.
stay positive and love your life.