Life is GOOD!

So many changes in a year's time.  You think once you have kids that you only see it when you see them grow.  They change so fast.  But this blog always come back to remind me how much you can grow in a pretty damn small amount of time. 

I'm so happy with my life right now.  I'm grateful for my relationship with Caroline.  Divorce is never a thing that anyone really thinks they'll be in the middle of.  (I hate ending a sentence with a prepostition, but I don't want to think about that...)  Divorce has made my life, Caroline's life, and Zoey's life SOOOOOO much better.  Happy parents.  Happy Kid.

I tell this story a lot, but when C and I got a divorce, we separated, immediately set up our sharing schedule 50/50...  We figured everything out pre-lawyer.  Once we had it working right, then we called in ONE lawyer to write it up.  So, it was 6 months until we actually filed.  Anyway, we had to go through a Co-Parenting class. (mandatory).   We all go walking in together, cracking each other up.  See, we already became better friends in realizing this is how our life was going to be.  The future you had in your head of your child growing up in a traditional household is GONE.  Doesn't exist.  That's a blow.  No matter how much you know it's the right decision.  Once you get used to the fact, that this is the way it is going to be and there isn't any going back... there's a freedom in that. 

Sooo, anyway, we go marching in there pretty happy... and we see people weeping and shit.  And we immediately were like... Oh right... not everyone is in our situation.  We sat together... listened, giggled a little bit at "Lizard Brain" (which is what Z calls her new husband).  But then it came to this question about "signs you should look for in your kids while going through a divorce"... there were 10.  Zoey had about 5-7 of them... WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER... since we had lived apart for almost a year at this point... they had disappeared.  That solidified it for us.  We knew we were making the right decision.

Then... live life, cut out alcohol for a year.  I can drink now and not have any worries or anxiety about it.  It's a beautiful thing.  Topo Chico is a more beautiful thing.

My daughter is in Disney World.  Caroline made it happen man.  I'm so stoked for them.  Honestly, this is a way that divorce has led me to a non-traditional way of living (you know that future that you had in your head when you got married).  I am not sad about missing the trip. I'm honestly grateful I'm not there.  This is something her and her mom can always hold dear.  I get that reaction from her in other ways.  And I told Zoey when she said she wished I was gonna be there and she was gonna miss me... I told her that she wouldn't want me there anyway.  Daddy is not into princesses that much and that I would just bring a (roll my eyes) UGGGHHH do we have to go see this princess now?! GAAAAH.  and we laughed.  I'm grateful that my life allows for this to happen.  I'm grateful that I'm sitting and listening to music and writing in my living room with just me and my dog.  The ability to have your own life... along together with your child and your child's entire family is absolutely amazing.  I honestly wouldn't want to live my life in that "traditional" way.

I adore my time alone.  I feel like it's time away from Zoey that I am forced to be blessed with and I need to make the most of it.  I'm healthy. I walk the dog alot. I kayak when I can. I stretch, meditate, and keep my body in the best shape it can be.  Or at least I try.  I have figured out ways to better myself when my daughter isn't around.  And that makes me feel strong and confident. 

Which leads me to my girlfriend.
Yep.
It happened.
And I couldn't be more happy.

I can remember when she walked in for the interview... haha  ...  it's not like that I promise.  haha
But...
I always ask people that I'm in interviews with, a last question.. "So most folks in our line work have a stronger connection with music than your average joe.  What music do you listen to, or do you have a favorite genre?"  She stated that she'd gone to Nashville and was a singer out there and said it crashed and burned. 

Obviously I was like... really?!  Me too!  haha

Then... we worked together and got to know each other.  We realized we'd lived parallel lives.  Lived in the same spot of the country and grew up going to the same places.  So much in common.

... then on 4.26.17... we hugged.  There was a zing.  Something different.  Nothing like I've ever felt... especially from a hug.

Well, we moved forward, extremely cautiously. See, we both love our lives as they are.  Single, just us and our kids.  Or me and my kid rather.  The word "relationship" kinda made both of us throw up in our mouth a little bit.  So "friends with benefits" it was...  That didn't last long, the connection was too strong, and it was too damned amazing to not pursue.  So, we did.  And it was so easy.

And now, today, I am so fucking thankful for her. Divorce has given me the amazing opportunity to live as I want.  Cool thing is.. she wants to live in the exact same way.  We want our own space, we don't want to move our kids together.  She is trying to move to my area, not because of me, but it's definitely gonna be such a bonus!  Closer is better.

It's just so cool, we get together when we can.  She's lined out her weekends with her daughter along with mine.  So we, as grown parents, enjoy an entire weekend of just us.  That's what divorce has allowed us to do.  I'm fucking selfish because of it.  It's amazing!!  We camped out in the living room one weekend.  When's the last time you've done something like that "traditionally married" parents?! We get to be in control of when and where our kids interact.  Both of our exes are re-married, and we both know that that is something we don't want to do. We don't need no government up in our business! We have an amazing relationship, are madly in love, know that this is forever, but choose to not have that dictate our living arrangements.  It's our rules. WE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT.  And THAT feels fucking amazing.

I'm grateful that I have her in my life.  I'm grateful that I get to see her and get a hug from time to time while we work together.  She's an amazing woman, amazing mother, full of passion for everything, and I'm so happy that I get to be her man.

I get to live life, on my own terms, with my own limits, with my own future as I see it.  I'm trying to better myself mentally, physically, and financially, as a father, a friend, and a human being.  And I'm so thankful for the life I have and the ones that surround me while I go through it.

So, I guess, in closing,
Life is good.

the yin the yang

Still trying to get used to my life. It’s filled with bouts of self confidence and happiness with bouts of self doubt, anxiety, and depression. Luckily since I gave up alcohol, I’ve seen a lot of progress in my life that I can be proud of. I’m trying to become the man I have the potential to be.  That potential is not someone else’s standards but the standards that I alone feel I should live up to. Do I think that we should have stayed together? Do I think that if I could have stopped drinking earlier that it would have made a difference?  No and no. The truth is we never had the type of love that you need to have a marriage.

It’s just a strange reality that I’m in and I had never thought about before. And now I’m in it making the best of it that I can. I do enjoy it actually, and I feel like it’s gonna make me a better person and father. But I will always miss my homie when she’s gone. But the self reflection time that I’m forced to be blessed with, makes me learn and grow into a better version of myself than if we were together 24-7. That sounds kinda selfish, but it’s true.

Self confidence and self doubt.
My life.
Everyone’s life.

#thegoodinthebad
#thebadinthegood

Closing a chapter.

So, I'm now almost 100 days into this no alcohol thing and it feels right.  Things are becoming more clear as to why I was drinking all along.  I believe that I obviously got to college and was rebelling and enjoying myself.  Being 15 years though since I graduated college, so, those years were a little different.  Music steal ruled my life, and I enjoyed the party side of that just as much if not more than the drumming side of it.  I've never really tried to make myself a better drummer over the years.  I was just lucky enough that I had what I had and could do what I did.  I suppose I got better over the years, but it wasn't due to practicing by myself or trying to make myself better, it was just from playing gigs.

Now though, I think I can see reasons as to why I latched onto alcohol as much as I did.  At some point in there it definitely switched from a social thing to a physical private thing.  I had anxiety about drinking too much, every time I started drinking that first beer.

I think alot of it was trying to run in the opposite direction that my Dad wanted me to go.  I was bitter and sore about him not being around and then trying to mold me into my brother.  When realistically, he just wanted me to be the best me I could be.  I just was trying to cover up my reality of being in the place I was, with drinking and completely losing myself into the drunk.

I've stated before that I do not want to strive and stress for more money if that requires me to not be present for Zoey.  I will not do that.  BUT, I'm starting to come around to the idea that in the time that I don't have her (now that I'm divorced), I sure could strive and better myself in ways that could end up benefitting me financially.  But, I'm happy to not just be throwing away that time drinking and doing nothing more than that.  I do want to imagine a better me into a reality.

I'm doing this for me of course because it was time and all the signs pointed to doing it, but Zoey can be seen as a primary factor in my decision.  I want to better myself in the time I'm not with her.  I want her to be proud of me instead of just knowing that all I do is party when I'm not with her. I want to be able to support her better.  I want to be able to afford different classes and interests for her.

Recently, Her and I replanted the ivy that my mom gave to me the first time I left for college.  I have absolutely no clue how it had stayed alive during all of that shit, but I think Z and I killed it.  I'm still giving it a chance, but I think it's done.

And I'm ok with that because it's a little symbolic to me.  The plant, that in my mind has always represented my life from that first day of college.  It grew with me as I grew, but could only grow as big as that pot. And with this recent change in my life, I feel like I am finally moving past that life that began there.  I'm not stuck in it anymore.  I'm not trying to be someone I used to be.  I'm not trying to be the same person I used to be.  I'm ready to grow more and flourish.  So that plant dying, is symbolic of that chapter FINALLY closing, and me moving on.

Although, I might need to ask my mom for a new plant.

Fuckin' A.

SON OF A BITCH!!

I feel good!

I mean...

damn man.

It rules to feel this good.

That's it.

That's all I got.

peace and love people!

It's my birthday

I'm excited about my life.
I want to do more things.
I have more ideas.
I can see possibilities where there weren't any.
I want to better myself and learn new things.
I want to try to make more money and not sit still.
I want to get healthier.

I want to change.

And I haven't felt that in a long time... quite possibly, Ever.

39 may be one of my best years yet.

50 days

Doesn't seem like it.

I'm just glad that I am doing other things
on the days I don't have Zoey.

That was the thing... Two days with her, no drinking.
2 days without her, close to drunk both days.
Unless I had a ton of chores to do.

I think that originated from just not knowing what to do
with my time when I didn't have her.
I'm glad I am growing past that.

I actually ran for a bit during the walk with Cracker last night.
Didn't set out to run, just kinda felt like it.

Change is happening.
I'm digging.

peace.

2016 will be much different

I've decided to give up alcohol this year.
Why?!

Two main reasons. Challenge and Change.
I've thought about it for 4 or 5 years and would always talk myself out of it.
Well, I didn't really do that, I guess I never talked myself INTO it.
This time, I'm committed.
I've lived my life for the past 20 years or so fairly buzzed or drunk every 2-3 days.
I'm ready to experience other things. See what I find myself doing when I'm not focused on drinking.
Push myself to do something different.
It's been more fun finding what I am going to do with the time that I would normally be just sitting and drinking.
Much more constructive.

Mixing some juices and caffeine-free soda helps sometimes.
I've went over to cookouts with some sparkling water.
It's so carbonated, it makes me feel like I'm drinking a beer.
Plus, the bottles are beer-like, and folks don't razz me too bad.
No one really does that anyway, but ya know.

I'll tell you things I do love about it.
No hangovers. No bubble-guts or beer shits.
A clear mind. No gaps in memories.
I don't smoke, since that was only a thing that I did while drinking.
Only a sporadic greenery lift, but really I just enjoy keeping my mind sober.

It's pretty rad.
I read something the other day that said that some people think they will loose their edge if they stop drinking, when really it ends up giving them and edge.
I would agree to this.
Plus, I'm not putting myself at risk as much.
Ya know, b/c buzzed driving is drunk driving. (alot of us are pros even though we've been caught before)

Anyway, clear mind, clear heart, pretty clear soul.
I'm working my way to becoming unfuckwithable.

#youcanttouchthis

Keep on rockin' people.
I'm gonna go rock out on my drums, then go put the kayak in the water.

peace and love
stay positive and love your life.