the yin the yang

Still trying to get used to my life. It’s filled with bouts of self confidence and happiness with bouts of self doubt, anxiety, and depression. Luckily since I gave up alcohol, I’ve seen a lot of progress in my life that I can be proud of. I’m trying to become the man I have the potential to be.  That potential is not someone else’s standards but the standards that I alone feel I should live up to. Do I think that we should have stayed together? Do I think that if I could have stopped drinking earlier that it would have made a difference?  No and no. The truth is we never had the type of love that you need to have a marriage.

It’s just a strange reality that I’m in and I had never thought about before. And now I’m in it making the best of it that I can. I do enjoy it actually, and I feel like it’s gonna make me a better person and father. But I will always miss my homie when she’s gone. But the self reflection time that I’m forced to be blessed with, makes me learn and grow into a better version of myself than if we were together 24-7. That sounds kinda selfish, but it’s true.

Self confidence and self doubt.
My life.
Everyone’s life.

#thegoodinthebad
#thebadinthegood

Closing a chapter.

So, I'm now almost 100 days into this no alcohol thing and it feels right.  Things are becoming more clear as to why I was drinking all along.  I believe that I obviously got to college and was rebelling and enjoying myself.  Being 15 years though since I graduated college, so, those years were a little different.  Music steal ruled my life, and I enjoyed the party side of that just as much if not more than the drumming side of it.  I've never really tried to make myself a better drummer over the years.  I was just lucky enough that I had what I had and could do what I did.  I suppose I got better over the years, but it wasn't due to practicing by myself or trying to make myself better, it was just from playing gigs.

Now though, I think I can see reasons as to why I latched onto alcohol as much as I did.  At some point in there it definitely switched from a social thing to a physical private thing.  I had anxiety about drinking too much, every time I started drinking that first beer.

I think alot of it was trying to run in the opposite direction that my Dad wanted me to go.  I was bitter and sore about him not being around and then trying to mold me into my brother.  When realistically, he just wanted me to be the best me I could be.  I just was trying to cover up my reality of being in the place I was, with drinking and completely losing myself into the drunk.

I've stated before that I do not want to strive and stress for more money if that requires me to not be present for Zoey.  I will not do that.  BUT, I'm starting to come around to the idea that in the time that I don't have her (now that I'm divorced), I sure could strive and better myself in ways that could end up benefitting me financially.  But, I'm happy to not just be throwing away that time drinking and doing nothing more than that.  I do want to imagine a better me into a reality.

I'm doing this for me of course because it was time and all the signs pointed to doing it, but Zoey can be seen as a primary factor in my decision.  I want to better myself in the time I'm not with her.  I want her to be proud of me instead of just knowing that all I do is party when I'm not with her. I want to be able to support her better.  I want to be able to afford different classes and interests for her.

Recently, Her and I replanted the ivy that my mom gave to me the first time I left for college.  I have absolutely no clue how it had stayed alive during all of that shit, but I think Z and I killed it.  I'm still giving it a chance, but I think it's done.

And I'm ok with that because it's a little symbolic to me.  The plant, that in my mind has always represented my life from that first day of college.  It grew with me as I grew, but could only grow as big as that pot. And with this recent change in my life, I feel like I am finally moving past that life that began there.  I'm not stuck in it anymore.  I'm not trying to be someone I used to be.  I'm not trying to be the same person I used to be.  I'm ready to grow more and flourish.  So that plant dying, is symbolic of that chapter FINALLY closing, and me moving on.

Although, I might need to ask my mom for a new plant.

Fuckin' A.

SON OF A BITCH!!

I feel good!

I mean...

damn man.

It rules to feel this good.

That's it.

That's all I got.

peace and love people!

It's my birthday

I'm excited about my life.
I want to do more things.
I have more ideas.
I can see possibilities where there weren't any.
I want to better myself and learn new things.
I want to try to make more money and not sit still.
I want to get healthier.

I want to change.

And I haven't felt that in a long time... quite possibly, Ever.

39 may be one of my best years yet.

50 days

Doesn't seem like it.

I'm just glad that I am doing other things
on the days I don't have Zoey.

That was the thing... Two days with her, no drinking.
2 days without her, close to drunk both days.
Unless I had a ton of chores to do.

I think that originated from just not knowing what to do
with my time when I didn't have her.
I'm glad I am growing past that.

I actually ran for a bit during the walk with Cracker last night.
Didn't set out to run, just kinda felt like it.

Change is happening.
I'm digging.

peace.

2016 will be much different

I've decided to give up alcohol this year.
Why?!

Two main reasons. Challenge and Change.
I've thought about it for 4 or 5 years and would always talk myself out of it.
Well, I didn't really do that, I guess I never talked myself INTO it.
This time, I'm committed.
I've lived my life for the past 20 years or so fairly buzzed or drunk every 2-3 days.
I'm ready to experience other things. See what I find myself doing when I'm not focused on drinking.
Push myself to do something different.
It's been more fun finding what I am going to do with the time that I would normally be just sitting and drinking.
Much more constructive.

Mixing some juices and caffeine-free soda helps sometimes.
I've went over to cookouts with some sparkling water.
It's so carbonated, it makes me feel like I'm drinking a beer.
Plus, the bottles are beer-like, and folks don't razz me too bad.
No one really does that anyway, but ya know.

I'll tell you things I do love about it.
No hangovers. No bubble-guts or beer shits.
A clear mind. No gaps in memories.
I don't smoke, since that was only a thing that I did while drinking.
Only a sporadic greenery lift, but really I just enjoy keeping my mind sober.

It's pretty rad.
I read something the other day that said that some people think they will loose their edge if they stop drinking, when really it ends up giving them and edge.
I would agree to this.
Plus, I'm not putting myself at risk as much.
Ya know, b/c buzzed driving is drunk driving. (alot of us are pros even though we've been caught before)

Anyway, clear mind, clear heart, pretty clear soul.
I'm working my way to becoming unfuckwithable.

#youcanttouchthis

Keep on rockin' people.
I'm gonna go rock out on my drums, then go put the kayak in the water.

peace and love
stay positive and love your life.

For all of you awesome Dads...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosie-devereux/dumbass-stuff-we-need-to-stop-saying-to-dads_b_9186948.html

Peaceful walk

enh, fuck it.

I find myself in this month of my birth nearly 39 years down the line, happily divorced with a wonderful co-parenting relationship with the amazing mother of our child, more in love with the most bad ass 5 year old daughter I could've ever dreamed, excited and happy in the job that I've had for almost 11 years, creating and doing things that I haven't done in years, and all in all stoked about a future as an adult male making my way through life on this planet again.

The last few years of the marriage were pretty lame. We stopped putting in love and were in a standoff with each other on who was going to put any effort into it first. Then it all but vanished into thin air and we were coexisting as roommates with a kid, and were both miserable. I was really unaware of how miserable I was until a few months after she pulled the D card. At the time I could not believe it was happening. The future that you saw for yourself no longer exists. It's fucking gone and it's fucking overwhelming. I won't go into all the little details that take over your brain, but it involves EVERY aspect of your life.

We kept our child at the first of everything we did and kept it very civil and fair throughout the whole process. The healing process was interesting to say the least. The only thing I could think of doing when I didn't have Z is everything that I couldn't do when she was there. So, needless to say, very loud music, too many drinks, dancing in the living room, and really just doing whatever the fuck I wanted to whenever the fuck I wanted to. A thing that I have grown to love, even though it is in much more constructive ways now.

I can feel like I'm becoming the man that I was intended to be before all of this slid off track. I feel like I'm finally starting to grow again. Not just existing in the same life that I created in college. I never really grew out of that life very well. I would try, but almost would feel like that was my identity. No need to expand, learn, or do more. "This is what I do," I remember thinking alot.

Nowadays, I take more walks with the pup. I kayak. I read actual books (still fucking boggles my mind) and enjoy it. I love eating alone and thinking about things to do and try after the meal. I clean much more. I listen to music, like just sit and listen. Occasionally I will have a netflix binge of course, but some nights my TV never gets turned on.

When Z is around we just do whatever we feel like doing. Coloring, reading, puzzles, hide 'n' seek, tag, dig in the dirt, play in the water, play catch, play music, create performances, expand our imaginations, make forts, lots of balloons, ride bikes and tricycles, learn things, discuss things, build things, and lots of tickle ninja. Also maybe a netflix binge or a movie in there too.

For the most part I'm much more centered, calm and collected. Not much anxiety, no impending doom like the last post that was 3 years ago. (That was pretty good forshadowing on my part though) Much Much Much more happy.

I love my life, stoked to be living it, and am excited to see what the future holds. It is after all, a clean slate.

Peace and love my friends.
stay positive and love your life.