Closing a chapter.

So, I'm now almost 100 days into this no alcohol thing and it feels right.  Things are becoming more clear as to why I was drinking all along.  I believe that I obviously got to college and was rebelling and enjoying myself.  Being 15 years though since I graduated college, so, those years were a little different.  Music steal ruled my life, and I enjoyed the party side of that just as much if not more than the drumming side of it.  I've never really tried to make myself a better drummer over the years.  I was just lucky enough that I had what I had and could do what I did.  I suppose I got better over the years, but it wasn't due to practicing by myself or trying to make myself better, it was just from playing gigs.

Now though, I think I can see reasons as to why I latched onto alcohol as much as I did.  At some point in there it definitely switched from a social thing to a physical private thing.  I had anxiety about drinking too much, every time I started drinking that first beer.

I think alot of it was trying to run in the opposite direction that my Dad wanted me to go.  I was bitter and sore about him not being around and then trying to mold me into my brother.  When realistically, he just wanted me to be the best me I could be.  I just was trying to cover up my reality of being in the place I was, with drinking and completely losing myself into the drunk.

I've stated before that I do not want to strive and stress for more money if that requires me to not be present for Zoey.  I will not do that.  BUT, I'm starting to come around to the idea that in the time that I don't have her (now that I'm divorced), I sure could strive and better myself in ways that could end up benefitting me financially.  But, I'm happy to not just be throwing away that time drinking and doing nothing more than that.  I do want to imagine a better me into a reality.

I'm doing this for me of course because it was time and all the signs pointed to doing it, but Zoey can be seen as a primary factor in my decision.  I want to better myself in the time I'm not with her.  I want her to be proud of me instead of just knowing that all I do is party when I'm not with her. I want to be able to support her better.  I want to be able to afford different classes and interests for her.

Recently, Her and I replanted the ivy that my mom gave to me the first time I left for college.  I have absolutely no clue how it had stayed alive during all of that shit, but I think Z and I killed it.  I'm still giving it a chance, but I think it's done.

And I'm ok with that because it's a little symbolic to me.  The plant, that in my mind has always represented my life from that first day of college.  It grew with me as I grew, but could only grow as big as that pot. And with this recent change in my life, I feel like I am finally moving past that life that began there.  I'm not stuck in it anymore.  I'm not trying to be someone I used to be.  I'm not trying to be the same person I used to be.  I'm ready to grow more and flourish.  So that plant dying, is symbolic of that chapter FINALLY closing, and me moving on.

Although, I might need to ask my mom for a new plant.