Things.

Maaaaaan.
Things are cool.
Sometimes they suck.
Like Why does this lady blare her speaker phone.
FUCK.

Played last night.
People fed us shots.
we didn't sound as good.
But they stayed and drank more.
to see the druken hooligans perform.

which in the end...
meant more money for us.
see how that shit works?

See how so many musicians get fucked up?

So, I think I know why I want to smoke cigs.
Its a direct ratio to the alcohol content in my body.
As the alcohol content goes up . . .
Little kevmo wants to light up.

This is a direct result of what we used to do.
its called "party"
now that we don't "party" as much as we used to.
I find myself wanting to "party" more.
Smoking, even if its out for a few beers and back home by 10 . . . enhances the "party"

Its funny, but I feel like I am pushing the limits.
being on the edge.
"partying" like I used to.
when my only responsibility.
was to be irresponsible.

which is complete bullshit.
My "partying" now is about 30% of what it used to be.

which is the reason,
that I should just fucking come to terms with the fact.
That I am not 21 anymore.

I've been thinking about stopping the cigs for awhile now.
and since the 13th, I've only had 2 full smokes.
but the temptation . . .
the temptation is me trying to "party"
when I could NOT smoke and be fine.
but I want to push the limits.
I want to smoke and be an idiot.
which in turn makes me want to drink more.
because we are doing the "party" thing.
in my head.

but if I just resist the temptation.
and don't smoke.
I don't drink as much.
and I feel much more in control.

Which leads me to the pain in my neck.

I have this pain in my neck . . shoulder area.
where I store all of my stress and anxiety.

What I have found recently, it that the pain increases
when I am in a situation that I am unsure about.

Basically, when I am doing something that I know
is probably not the best decision to do.
The pain is horrible.

When I am totally at peace
doing nothing that compromises my well-being.
the pain is minimal.

So, I'm trying to find a place.
where I still feel like I am "partying"
without feeling like I am doing something I shouldn't be doing.

This,
it turns out.
is what "they" call
growing up.

I just want to be bad enough.
I want to be edgy enough.
to pull off being cool.

and really.
when it comes down to it.
who the fuck cares.

I just want my shoulder pain to go away.